Comments about My Space

comments:

comment by Julia Frye --jfrye, Thu, 26 Jan 2006 15:10:16 -0500 reply
I like the space you choose to write about, it seems like a room with a purpose and one that you would use quite often but never really look at. I think you could add more to the objects you describe by adding a little more of yourself to them. The room reads as kind of dry and I do not get a sense of who you are and why you choose to put the things in this room that you did. The detail I liked the best was the one about the stereo because it showed more of you in it. You say you mainly work in the room and dont need the distraction of music while you work but you placed it in the room anyway. I like that you know it is poorly placed but you leave it there anyway. You could maybe explain a little more on why you think you leave the stereo there. To make the organization a little clearer you could give a little more detail of where things are placed in relation to other things you have previously mentioned so the reader can get more of a feel for the room. You tend to reflect fairly little in the writing with some exceptions such as the dog with his toys and your fluctuating temperatures. This space makes me think of my computer room at home where we have a similar setup. however we have a book shelf and one large desk as well as one small one in the room. The room has very little else and is only used when bills are being done or when we need to use the computer.

Response by Mallory --mgianola, Thu, 26 Jan 2006 15:11:34 -0500 reply
1.) In general I think you modeled your room after Perec's quite well. It is obvious that we had a limited length so your is not as detailed, but it is overall good for the amount of space we did have. 2.)It definitely could be more detailed. You did a good job with describing the room in the beginning and many of the objects in the room, but I think Perec described his objects in much more detail. So that each object had a purpose or no purpose, a meaning or no meaning, etc. 3.)There is nothing wrong with the organization. I think maybe add a concluding paragraph so the piece doesn't just end abruptly, but other than that the organization is good. It takes you around the room as if you were there. 4.)You do reflect throughout the passage, but you could definitely do it more. Or even if you don't reflect more then just reflect in more detail so that the reader can get a sense of what your fuzzy slippers mean to you or what the dog toy means to your dog. This will add emotion to the piece. 5.)It brings to mind a room we have in my house at home. It was nursery for 12 years. Then it became a study. But studies never really seem to be studies. They are sort of there & they are in a way a collect all room. It's as if they never really en dup being just a study! :)

... --primowvu, Thu, 26 Jan 2006 15:17:29 -0500 reply
I can invision the room from your writing. The most striking detail about this space is the amount of stuff inside this small room. It seems rather cramped and uncomfortable. the deatil of the room is very good. I can't imagine anything else being placed in this room. One thing I would expan on is the size of the furniture peices mentioned in comparison to the room. I know you said they were large but do they take up most the room. The orginization is great I can see you describing this room as you look at different areas from your desk. The biggest association I see is the attention to detail. The mentioning of the broken shelf with the back story gave a good vision of that area.

Response from Megan --sbaldwin, Thu, 26 Jan 2006 15:27:52 -0500 reply
Your study reminds me a lot of my room at home. Objects that have no purpose in the room litter the floor and the surrounding furniture. I like how you described all the contents in the room, however none of them seem to have meaning to you. This would be a perfect way to expand on the second writing space. I really liked how you mentioned the weight bench that you never use, but rather use it to store other objects. I think that is something we can all relate to, or admit having done before. I can picture myself in the room, looking from each corner and seeing how the objects are specifically placed around the room. You did a great job including thorough details in your space.

response from sandy --sbaldwin, Thu, 02 Feb 2006 22:08:50 -0500 reply
Lindsey:

OK, great start. This is well-detailed and fascinating reading. I think you should talk more about how you use this an how you chose to organize it - you already talk about this some. You've started focusing on the structure of the study and then moved inward. This gives a sense of a very geometrical, squared off space. There's a sense of enclosure that, for me, goes along with the sense that this is a work area, where you do the work assigned by your professors. It makes me wonder if there are other functions.

The second paragraph focuses on wear and tear. "Stress fracture" and the weight of the other apartment are such interesting images - of course their true and all, but they humanize the study, make the room seem somehow living, and imbue it with feeling.

Paragraph 3 and 4 return to the neutral quality of the study. Here my sense is that you don't mess with the decor much; again, it feels very much a formal space, strictly a work space. Similarly the next paragraph: you're very specific (six objects) and they turn out to be structural, outlets etc. So, for me the sense of formality is reinforced. Yet there's still echoes of human life - the imperfections and then the temperature fluctuations (can tell if this is due to you or to the apartment).

Again, the shelf makes me think of this - I'm struck by the variation between bareness / formalness and human occupation (the friend breaking the shelf). This makes the exercise machine feel significant - more adapted, more lived in, somehow I want to hear more about it. And I feel even more relieved to get some details about the desk, though they're still quite functional. (So, I hold onto the Chik-fil-a coupon, which seems a real sign of you.)

The misplaced objects on the carpet feel really important then (the slipper!). They're like mistakes or revelations, or clues even.

Then the stereo: it seems to capture some of this overall effect, as it's there to listen to but isn't used because you don't want the distraction. This seems to comment on the nature of the space, and the two kinds (at least) of inhabitation.

response --sbaldwin, Tue, 28 Feb 2006 11:13:57 -0500 reply
Lindsay:

This is a great start. We get a really good sense of your living space and the different things you do in it. I wonder about elaborating some of the background with more reflection. For example, the interesting story about how you found the apartment (the other apartments you missed): could you reflect on what does this say about living in Morgantown/WVU? Or, similarly, since looking at jobs is such a big part of your day, can you tell about it more? First off, tell about the activity – sort of describe it: scanning the ads, what you look for, what you note down, how you feel – but also tell us about what kind of job you’re hoping for. What are your plans? Why the government, for example?

Great description of Twix. Perhaps describing working and being distracted by Twix – tell us the story… (As you do with the patio – that’s great…)

The node about “temperature” in your study is perfectly detailed, but it brings out the image of you working – “For the most part, I am passionate about the work I do. When I get so intensely caught up in the work that I am doing that I feel my fingers can not keep up with the thoughts being formed by my brain, I tend to get hot.” So, why not a link here talking about your work? What gets you excited by it? Describe this – vs. work that doesn’t make you this way.

For the next stage, see about incorporating the photo into your page. In general, you could work the images of your apartment, nephew, webcam, etc. into the pages.

I hope this gives some direction for expanding the space!

also- --sbaldwin, Tue, 28 Feb 2006 11:15:08 -0500 reply
Do think more about lateral links, i.e. not just going deep but links between nodes.

Good job --JMurray53?, Tue, 21 Mar 2006 15:24:22 -0500 reply
I thought you did a good job describing your study. However, I thought the best part of your writing came within the links, especially the one about your dog, Twix. I had to laugh when I read that part because it reminded me so much of my own dog at home trying to jump up into my lap whenever I sit down to use the computer. Of course, he's over 30 pounds....but I digress....Your best writing came when you gave thorough details, such as the story about Twix jumping into your lap, or the one about Twix attacking your socks when you come home.

Comments on Nodes & Pictures --genrmac, Tue, 21 Mar 2006 15:41:30 -0500 reply
I enjoy how you open your "space" by assuring your reader that the study is not just a room, but a place that is full of life.

Key Words: Nicks, Dents--both point to signs of life.

Picture of playing "Pong" in the kitchen--reminds me that kitchens can be used for entertainment, not just cooking!

Picture of Twix: We get to see him in a lazy moment and picture him as a part of your space. You comments concerning Twix reveal a compassionate part of your personality.

Key Words: energetic, lazy, rescue, stud dog.

The picture of your work-out bench appearing on the same page with the WVU rec center picture shows me the contrast in your choices. I, too, would choose the rec center, but at least you don't waste the work-out bench space! I think many people use them for storage.

Key Words: Table, flat, random objects, multi-million dollar, exercise.

I like how you mention certain items in your study and then go on to picture them and talk about them in your nodes, i.e. the work-out bench and the sandwich coupon. You then go on to talk about Justin and fast food and I can click to a picture and Justin and Twix (great pic). Your humor shows throughout the space, and you invite us to see those who are closest to you which reminds us that your space is shared.

Key Words: untouched items, biscuits, fiance, tired.

Your computer desk looks so neat for something you use often--I wish I had the discipline to clean the papers and bills scattered about mine. This photo allows me to picture you on the job search (your aggressiveness will pay off). You may want to have Justin take a picture at your desk after you've been working several hours!

From what I can see, you are giving us a lot of information about your study and how you use it. I would like to see a wide angle picture of the room to get the feel for where things are placed. As I went through I felt I was getting to know you better!

comments --Mdietrich, Tue, 21 Mar 2006 15:19:37 -0500 reply
I love the description on how you fell into your new apartment. It almost makes me mad as I read because landlords can get away with so much in this down. Don't you agree? I also liked your narration as I read, because it seems like something that would happen to me. It probably is something that has happened to a lot of people. The image of campus is beautiful, and shows what a wonderful campus we do have. I liked it because it shows the town in which you now reside, rather than your apartment itself. Here are a couple key words you might want to expand on- luck, difficulties, Morgantown.

response from sandy --sbaldwin, Tue, 11 Apr 2006 09:22:41 -0400 reply
Lindsey:

This is coming along nicely. The images work well - I especially like the Chik-Fil-A sandwiches.

Think about working with format more. The opening paragraph reads well now but it's a lot of text for a web page. One thing is to format it: using bold or other formatting in the text. Another thing is to break it up with images. Or into several pages. One way or another, thing about breaking this page up.

One answer is to just start with the first paragraph, but add to it. It seems to me that the writing so far is working from the very precise detail you've written about your study - it's great! - to personal narrative, stories arrived at through the detail. So, why not start with a single paragraph built from your current first paragraph that says just this: your study is a space, but it also is a lived space; it's constructed but it's also filled with your things. Then move to a next page with the description but build your stories off of this. Built off of things like "Small nicks and dents scattered across the walls attest to the many hours of life spent in the room." OK, so there are narrative sthere in the nicks and dents.

You do a great job with a very objective observation of your study. I think you should preserve that but make narratives link off of it. I think that will work well...

The apartment story is great. Very effective and a good example of what you should do.

I would link the "distractions" to the study page as well. If this is the organizing image (study) then I imagine that distractions would oppose or contrast (study vs. distraction). Can you tell more about the distractions? What's the story of that photo? How do you balance distraction and work?

Similarly, your dog: how does he fit in the study (so, keep the link from distractions but also link off the study page). That way you have deep links (the study->distraction->dog->fiance->chickfila-> etc.) but also flat links, all coming off the inititial study page. Do this with all the links: make them come off the study page as well as deep in the story... Draw a map for yourself to keep track.

The point would then be to foreground the organizing image or theme, which seems to be the study or "study" in relation to (or opposed to) life and distractions. Think of the whole in terms of the experience you want the reader to have. Then work at organizing/designing this experience.

Let me know if you have questions or want to discuss this.

response by sandy --sbaldwin, Tue, 02 May 2006 00:08:17 -0400 reply
Lindsay: This looks pretty good. The organization is effective and the writing works well in general. Again, you've addressed some of my comments above - e.g. you've expanded the text some - but you might continue to think how to apply them. Consider adding to the text and working more with the text in relation to the images...

Consider sizing the images down - e.g. the dog, but really all of them - they're large and overpower the text on a lot of the pages. Size them down and try to fit them in/around the text. You do a good job of this on the Chik-Fil-A page! Take this as a model.

Overall, the organization is nicely loose. The apartment organizes the project, but there's a pleasant sense of detour and distraction. Since the topic of distraction is dominant - you might want to make this even more central somehow?

I think you need to think about video/moving images more. You do include some videos available via a clickable link. This is ok, but really you should try embedding it in the page - it's not that hard! You could include them as both downloads and embedded in the page.

I'd say this is in the high B range.